How to Overcome the Fear of Not Being Liked

I’ve spoken to a few audiences in my lifetime, and I’ve experienced that sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach as I’d anticipate standing in front of a room full of strangers, worrying about what they’d think of me and what I had to say. Sometimes I would feel the anxiety for days (or even weeks) before an event.

Thank heavens I hardly ever feel that way anymore. Nobody likes to feel anxious or worried about being around people or giving presentations. It’s not a fun feeling! It can be paralyzing, in fact. But at least in my case, I’ve identified a couple reasons why things got easier:

First of all, there is that “getting used to it” thing. Do something often enough, and the anxiety goes away, eventually. Even the most embarrassing moments can pale over time. (Like the moment when I spontaneously demonstrated my sweet Tari Piring skills at a convention where I spoke with 500 guests. You’re not supposed to do that arm thing with food on the plate, but I was trying to be clever. Naturally my pie flew off the plate in front of the directors’ table, aaaaand that’s all I’m going to say about that. One thing I can say is that the feeling of horror has indeed paled.)

Second of all, aside from practice and time passing, there is something else that can be done to immediately get past that self-conscious oh-my-heck-what-are-people-thinking-about-me-right-now feeling, and it has to do with the way YOU think. It’s a pretty cool trick for feeling more comfortable in social settings, and here’s how it works:

As you probably know, the thoughts and feelings you bring to a social gathering emit a kind of a “vibration” that people pick up on. If you’re cheerful, people like that. They enjoy being with other people that make them feel good. If you feel comfortable, people feel comfortable around you.

But what if you don’t know how to feel comfortable?

When you feel nervous around other people (whether it’s an individual or an audience), DON’T WORRY about whether or not they like you, because if you do, you can unconsciously cause the very thing you want to avoid. To entertain worry puts you into an awkward “negative vibration”, which can be a turnoff to those around you.

Instead, all you have to do is LIKE THEM first.

You can choose to like people—just find something to like about them—and by liking them, you emit a positive vibration that more naturally causes them to mirror the feeling back.

A magnetic personality is not achieved by being super cool, amazingly talented, or having sweet Tari Piring skills. It’s achieved by finding and showing appreciation for the qualities, strengths, and talents in those around you.

Keep this principle alive in your life and you will always have an abundance of friends. Besides, as you’ve probably heard before, what people think about you is really none of your business, and most people are too busy worrying about what other people think of them to be thinking about you, anyway

All of these concerns melt away when you’re focused on building up the people around you, and finding their admirable qualities.

Remember this key idea and you can be confident in a room full of strangers. I’ve been told that you should fuss about the way you look only while you’re preparing to be with people, but the minute you walk out the door, it’s no longer about you. Focus on the people around you and forget about yourself.

“Love your neighbor” (Matthew 22:37-39) is a timeless principle here well applied. Plant good seeds by following this advice, and you’ll more easily reap a harvest of good company (Gal 6:7-8).

Learn more about what your thoughts can do with MINDSET FUNDAMENTALS™ Originally published June 28, 2015

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Nix the Scorekeeping

If you’re married and working toward a goal, sometimes living the principles can be especially challenging because deep down you have certain expectations of what your spouse is supposed to be doing.

Heck, it can be hard enough achieving goals with all the lofty expectations of what YOU are supposed to be doing!

At one time I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in another one of those “temporary seasons of imbalance” and decided to just hunker down and get through it. My husband agreed, and was there to support me, filling in gaps wherever he could, rather than getting frustrated that there were gaps to be filled.

What an example. I have often struggled to reciprocate that same kind of support.

He and I run through life at a different pace. I’m a sprinter, while he’s a distance runner. I burn out, while he steadily plugs along. So there have been many, many times when our mutual goal setting efforts have ended in shipwreck.

I’ve pondered this dilemma deeply, because it’s common among many couples. I’ve seen more than one relationship crumble under the weight of such differences. Sometimes I think it’s a wonder that we’ve made it through those times with our marriage still in tact.

Marriage requires adjustments and compromises. It might even require unplanned course-changes, which is why it’s important to establish your priorities early with clarity and resoluteness.

I’ve abandoned goals that threatened to compromise my top priority: my marriage covenant. My husband has abandoned goals if they’ve put a strain on our relationship. I’m not saying that is good, bad, or indifferent; I’m just saying that when your values, priorities, and ideals are in stone, then decisions, sacrifices, and disappointments can eventually be resolved with greater serenity.

(I understand some marriages need to end. But that’s a topic for another day, and probably for someone more qualified to address.)

Marriage also requires patience, and an understanding that we all have ups and downs (Law of Rhythm). Most of the time, I was up while he was down, or I was down while he was up.

That’s life.

So in your marriage, even if you’re both working hard to learn and understand the laws of success, you’ll learn them and apply them at different paces and in different ways.

When you’re in the groove, your spouse may struggle. When you’re spouse is on a roll, you may struggle. How, then, can you succeed as a couple if you can’t seem to get it right at the same time?

Count your blessings if the above description sums up your relationship. The Law of Rhythm states that everything in life is cyclical. We will have up days and we’ll have down days. When you’re on an up, go ahead and get a whole bunch of stuff done! Take advantage.

When you’re down, go with it and let it serve its purpose (as described in Hidden Treasures), with an expectation that your turn for an up day is on its way.

Don’t allow yourself to feel frustrated when the two of you can’t seem to make quantum leaps forward together. It is GOOD that you’re on different tracks, because if you both were to crash at the same time, who’d be there to pick up the pieces?

Allow yourself to feel the joy that comes when you say, “It’s okay, you can have a down day, and I’ll carry the torch until you come around.”

Imagine how that would make your partner feel. You’ve just turned a frustration into a blessing, which is a key skill for building a mindset for success. The goals you strive for will continue to move toward you as you show compassion to your spouse in his or her valley, and refuse to keep score.

Take responsibility. The minute you begin to fume and fuss over what someone else is doing or not doing, you lose power. Instead of passing judgment, be grateful for his/her companionship, and the opportunity you have to grow through the experience.

Find the good. Think on the positive aspects of your spouse. Think and speak about the good things, and the good will grow. Don’t expect everything to be fixed overnight. Some of our challenges have taken ten, even twenty years to resolve. What kept us going was a common belief that we’d eventually figure it all out. Some days I wasn’t so sure, and on other days I’m certain he wasn’t so sure. But there has always been at least one of us believing, or when perhaps if we were ever both in doubt, we didn’t speak of it because failure was not an option.

Move forward with faith, and if you are struggling now because of a conflict with your spouse, count it a blessing (Law of Polarity) and start looking for the seed of equal or greater benefit contained in the adversity.

“Never let a problem to be solved” [or a goal to be achieved] “become more important than a person to be loved.” ~ Thomas S. Monson

Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. You don’t ‘divi’ up the responsibilities and then critique your partner’s performance on his/her share. It’s a 100/100, or perhaps even a 110/110 proposition.

Do what you can do, even if it means sharing the other person’s load. Even if it means carrying the whole load for a while. Sometimes it may feel like 150/20. Maybe it feels that way most of the time. But if you try hard enough, and are willing to see it, I’ll bet you can remember at least once when it was 10/130. We all take turns, even if sometimes that turn goes on for years.

Whatever the numbers are, how you let yourself feel about carrying more than your “fair” share may well determine your future success. It also may very well determine how quickly things shift.

But if you begrudge the load, you rob yourself of the joy AND potential prosperity (monetary or otherwise) that is waiting for you on the other side of the adversity.

Remember, through natural law, God’s universe responds to the feelings you emit. So for now, try feeling grateful that you are able to help today. What if, for some reason, you couldn’t help, even if you wanted to?

Things could always be worse (Law of Relativity).

So don’t keep score. Inevitably, there will be a day when you are the one who needs to be carried. Serve with joy here and now, sacrifice whatever is necessary in the short term to make it work, and you’ll both reap great benefits soon enough.

Nag not. Be patient. Allow those you love to grow at their own pace. I know, it may delay the prize, but you may discover that the prize without your relationships in tact may not be a prize at all.

And if your spouse isn’t on board in the least with the things you’re learning, you can still prosper; you can still succeed. Have faith in God’s ability to show you how to achieve your dreams without compromising your values, even if you’re the only one who believes in them.

As Wendell Phillips said, “One, on God’s side, is a majority.”

Related: What if My Spouse Doesn’t Think Positive? Originally published March 13, 2007

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Meet Shantel McBride

Shantel McBride is one of our busiest Genius Bootcamp Facilitators. She loves Genius Bootcamp, and because of the quantum leaps it created in her life, she has been teaching what she’s learned ever since.

Outside of Genius Bootcamp, she also teaches other classes such as “Live Like You’re Dying”, “Ideal Life Vision”, “The Power of Words” and also offers personal mentoring.

At a time when I was running out of steam, Shantel showed up and became the wind beneath MY wings. She believed in my message, could personally vouch for its power, and has since been a strong driving force behind keeping the Genius Bootcamp project alive.

Shantel is a mover and a shaker. She hosts a show on K-Talk Radio called INSPIRED CONVERSATIONS, and is an in-demand coach and mentor.

Listen to her presentation at a TEDx event on the topic: “Live Like You’re Dying”. So powerful!

And of course, I should add, she continues to facilitate Genius Bootcamp trainings in Salt Lake City, Utah, and Mesa, Arizona.

Thanks for all you do, Shantel! You are certainly a force to be reckoned with!!

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Cherishing Those Teenage Boys

I have mixed emotions right now – thought I’d write to try and sort it all out.  I’m going to be working with a woman soon to help her with her book as part of my Profitable Author Coaching program, and in preparation for my first call with her, I’ve been reading her blog http://theemptybed.blogspot.com.

I’m a little concerned that this may be one especially difficult project for me, because as much as I look forward to helping her achieve her goals, the topic is tough.  She lost her 16 year-old son to a heart disease less than 2 years ago, and her book and her blog is all about going through the grieving process and coming out on the other end okay.

As I read her posts, I couldn’t help but feel fearful that I’m not doing enough to cherish the time I have with my own children, especially my teenage sons.  In less than 5 days I will be sending my oldest son Jacob (age 19) to a 2-year church service mission, and it’s impossible for me to imagine how I will do without him for that long.

I’ve thought it will be a piece of cake, because he’s always on the go, always busy, and I hardly see him now as it is, but the closer it gets, the more worried I feel that I haven’t done enough to savor the time we’ve had together.  Reading about this woman’s son who has passed on is making it especially difficult.

Additionally, my sixteen year-old son Nathan was also born with a heart defect (TAVPR), and underwent open heart surgery as soon as they discovered the total lack of connection between the veins coming from his lungs and his left atrium, as well as an obstruction that complicated matters.  It was repaired, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine – in all the thousands of years that humans have been on the Earth, it’s amazing to me, and it brings me much gratitude to think, that had he been born some 50 years earlier he probably would not have survived.

Even still, I remember over hearing the doctor tell the intern at his 3 month check up: “Children with his defect AND obstruction don’t typically make it past 3 months, even after surgery” – but here he was growing, thriving, and ready to take on the world in spite of it.

Now he’s 16, singing in the choir and playing tennis every chance he gets.  Am I making enough memories with him? Am I living life in such a way that I will have no regrets? Is it even possible? No matter how well we live, and how much attention we give our relationships, will we always find something to regret?

One thing I know is that there is a time to mourn and a time to rejoice. Without sadness we could never understand happiness. I’ve lived with my Jacob for 19 years and don’t know what it’s like to live without him. Perhaps sending him on his way next week is the only way I’ll really come to understand what we’ve had all along.

I love you, Jacob and Nathan – I’m so proud of you both and pray that you’ll feel the depths of my joy that you are mine now and forever.

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Principles for a Stronger Marriage

Marital Revolution

Positive Thinking Tip: Focus on principles for improving your marriage, and everything else goes better, too.

My friends Dino and Shannon (who joined me for one of my Book Writing Retreats, and who are pictured here) have done an excellent job putting together some principle-based, content-packed videos for you on how to get more love and understanding in your relationship.

Sign up now while they still offer free access:

Business of Marriage Video Access

With the combination of great information and their personal stories (like, Dino watching his dad drive away as he stood on the sidewalk as a kid, or Shannon’s dad dying from a heart attack instead of facing a divorce) make this a moving and hope-giving “must watch”.

It really doesn’t matter where you are in your relationship. If you’re struggling or if you’re doing great, every garden needs weeding from time to time.

These free videos are literally for everyone:

Business of Marriage Video Access

You’ll be glad you watched. What I’ve learned from Dino and Shannon has made a big difference in my marriage – and I thought we already had it pretty good.

Enjoy!

Leslie Householder

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How to Prosper with a Disbelieving Partner

One of the most common questions I get is on how to achieve goals when your partner in business or your spouse does not think the same way as you about these principles. I’ll continue to address this issue occasionally, because there are so many angles to consider, and maybe this is the one that will make a difference for you.

I’ll be quick to get to the point.

In order for you and your spouse to have the synergy you’d like to have on your way to achieving your prosperity goals, you need to have a COMMON GOAL.

I don’t mean to sound too simplistic here, but that’s what it boils down to. If you can’t understand why you aren’t getting the support you’d like to have, then ask yourself, when was the last time you sat down together and talked about what you’d like your future together to look like? Where do you see the two of you in ten years?

Maybe your spouse has lost his/her dream, and is too discouraged to think beyond the here and now. If your dreams are too grandiose for him/her to believe, then take some time to dream with him/her about the things that you can both be excited about, even if they aren’t much of a stretch. For example, daydream together about being grandparents or great grandparents. Talk about a movie you both enjoyed. Talk about the beliefs you share in common.

The more you share with each other, the more you will be “on the same page” in general. If you dream of traveling the world, and your spouse only gets more depressed when s/he hears you talk about it, because it feels impossible to him/her, then keep those dreams to yourself while they take root. Discuss them if you’re encouraged and supported when you do, but if that isn’t what happens, then talk about the common goals to strengthen your relationship and wait for a better season to talk about the bigger things.

Getting it together – in essence, if you are arguing about stuff, it means you’re simply on different frequencies. You need to build a dream together if you want to have harmonic thoughts.

If you spend time with the same mental images, you’ll end up with the same kinds of emotions. That’s “getting it together” and it can begin with taking in images of a more ideal life, together.

Together, watch movies of people who have exemplary lives and enjoy prosperity. Read books about remarkable people, together, so you can talk about them with each other. Get the images in sync that you both are putting into your minds, and eventually your frequencies will more closely match. A small step in this direction makes a big difference. It doesn’t even have to be self-help material… it just needs to be representations of lives that are on a higher plane than where you may be now. Sometimes it’s easier to find this sort of thing in old movies, like “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.”

One final point: A journal is a wonderful place to express and put detail to your dreams when you don’t have someone to talk about them with. It’s more than that, though. It’s the first step to effectively preparing yourself for inspiration on how to achieve it. To understand why, watch the 4-minute movie.

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Is Absent-Mindedness Affecting Your Success?

Positive Thinking Tip: De-clutter your life and you’ll more easily recognize the subtle, inspired indicators that will lead you to success

A couple years ago, my husband and I took our seven children to a neighboring state for a read-a-thon. On the way home, we stopped half-way and stayed with my sister for a night to break up the trip. The next morning, in our rush to be on the road again, we gathered our blankets and pillows, said our goodbyes, and loaded the van. My husband was at the wheel and I glanced back to ask the kids, “We got everybody?”

Nobody indicated otherwise, so I said, “Great!”

We had just begun to roll down the road when I looked back again and noticed my 15-year old missing.

Oh, no, I thought, not Nathan! He’s the one we forgot last time!

So I exclaimed, “Hurry! Back up and I’ll run in before he realizes we almost forgot him again!”

Within a minute I was back inside the house.  Hearing Nathan upstairs, I exhaled a sigh of relief. Whew! He didn’t notice.

My sister’s husband had a questioning look on his face, so I just said quietly, “We forgot Nathan… don’t say anything.”

Soon after, Nathan opened the door so I hollered nonchalantly, “Nathan… time to go!”

He ran downstairs, said his goodbyes and we climbed in the van. Just as we were getting ready to pull away, someone in the back said, “Where’s Nicholas?”

We gasped.  How did we miss Nicholas?

So I asked, “Nathan, will you go find Nicholas?”

“Sure.” Nathan said, and then ran to the house.

Pretty soon, out came – not Nathan – but my brother-in-law. Standing there in his robe with his hands out and eyes wide, he gestured, “What the –?”

Chuckling, we watched him disappear back into the home. Then suddenly, he stepped into the doorway again with a look of utter disbelief, and three fingers held high.

What’s that supposed to mean? We wondered.

Just then, Nathan emerged from the house with Nicholas…

…AND Bethany.

Okay, in my defense, I will say that we were driving a 15 passenger van full of blankets, pillows, and backpacks. Most of the time, you can’t see everyone in their seats even when they ARE there. When you rely on one child to let you know that their buddy is missing, but that child is missing, too… well, you see what can happen.

Did you know you can leave three children behind and not even realize it?

I do now.

It reminded me of the family who stopped at a gas station during a long road trip, and then hours later realized that the mother had left her prescription glasses there. Regretfully, they had to turn around and go back for them, costing them in a lot of extra time and gas.  When they arrived, they discovered their son waiting, too.

This kind of absent mindedness can get really expensive in terms of time, resources, and most importantly, damaged relationships.

I my case, I thought we were ready to go, but I was wrong. The added clutter in the van, and my hastiness, distracted me from the indicators (empty seats) that would have told us exactly what we needed to do next (find our children), before driving away. Had we proceeded anyway, without fixing the immediate problem, it could have cost us in extra time, gas, and again, most importantly, potentially damaged relationships.

So how can we avoid absent-mindedness?  Maybe it’s just a matter of addressing the clutter. Too much clutter in life can distract us from subtle indicators that would clearly tell us exactly what we really need to do next on our journey to the desired goal.

What are you trying to accomplish?

  • Financial freedom?
  • Stronger family relationships?
  • Better health?
  • Peace of mind?
  • A sense of fulfillment?

It could be that there’s something critical you aren’t even thinking about… something urgent and important that you must do first.

If life’s clutter is keeping you from recognizing it, then there may come a day when you have to turn around and go all the way back to this place to fix what was neglected right now. There are subtle indicators ready to get your attention, but you may need to slow down and clear up some clutter before you’ll notice them.

So… what kind of “clutter” can become a distraction from the subtle indicators?

“Clutter” might include:

  • Too many unnecessary activities filling your day (life is short – be selective about how you spend your time!)
  • Too many unnecessary things laying around your home or office (things were created to be utilized, to benefit people – if you no longer benefit from possessing an object, transfer it to someone who will put it to use.)
  • Too many meaningless conversations (do your discussions center on the topic of things, other people, or uplifting ideas?)
  • Too many meaningless non-family relationships (is there a positive exchange of service, knowledge, or value taking place… or not?)

If you get caught up in the clutter and miss the subtle (but otherwise oh-so-obvious) indicators that something else is an urgent priority (like a child left behind), at some point you may have to go back and make things right before you can arrive at your desired destination with all the right parts and pieces in tact.

So this is my invitation to you: take inventory of your life. Where are you trying to go?

Do your activities, conversations, things, and non-family relationships, truly make the necessary contribution to your journey? Clear what you can, and then take a look around. You might find a gaping hole right under your nose that requires your immediate attention now. Address it now, and you’ll get to your destination successfully a whole lot faster.

(And, if you’ve ever lost track of a child as we have, don’t feel too bad… it even happened to some of the most famous and well-respected parents in history: Joseph and Mary, when Jesus was 12, two thousand years ago.)

To your success!

Leslie

PS. Be sure to check out the FTMF course. It will help you more than you realize.

“I just wanted to say THANK YOU!  I took your FTMF course and it changed my LIFE! I would not be where I am today without the guidance of someone helping me to learn how THINK correctly.  I feel like my world completely changed after I took your course.” – unsolicited email

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